In Memory

Well sorry it has been so long since I have posted. We have been going through one of the hardest things our family has gone through in a long time. It is so ironic that my last post was of our beloved dog Matty.
Last Monday I noticed that she was not getting around well, and thought her back was acting up, so as usual I started her on her meds, which usually gets her back in treat mode in a day or two. Well on Wednesday I could tell she still was not feeling that great, so I told D that I would run her to the vet on Thursday morning. When I went to pick her up to take her out to the car she literally cried out in pain...what the hell was going on is all I could think. The vet checked her over, and felt like her back was fine, but discovered that she was not putting weight on her front right paw. So they said they needed to keep her, and do some x-rays. When they called that afternoon to let me know to come get her...the vet says to me that we will have to wait until the radiologist reads the films, but that it appeared that Matty had bone cancer. Well right in the middle of the holiday shopping madness of the mall I began to silently sob. My sweet little companion was really sick.
I went to get her, and she was in bad shape. They gave us very strong oral painkillers, and sent us home telling us that we would hear about her x-rays on Mon or Tues. I had enough drugs to last the weekend they said. Well Thursday night we got not a wink of sleep, the drugs were not strong enough for her. She was in pain. So we took her back first thing on Friday, and they put her on a morph patch, and said to continue with the oral pain meds as well. But they said the patch would take 6-8 hours to really start to work.
In the mean time D was scheduled to go out of town for work on Saturday, so he called my MIL to come up from Houston to be with me and help with Matty. So she was being picked up at the airport, I had workers installing new countertops in our kitchen, and D was at the other airport picking up his bosses dog that we were scheduled to dog sit for 18 days. I was just having a meltdown.
Me and my MIL sat with Matty until about 8:00 Friday evening...she was not getting any better. The pain was really bad, and the drugs weren't working, she stopped letting me give her water from a dropper around that time. So I finally called the emergency animal hospital, talked to a very nice vet, she told us to bring her in and they would give her a morphine shot and something like valium to help her get settled, and get ahead of the pain. So that is what we did, by the time we got her back in the car to come home, she was out, but her breathing was still very labored. We got home around 12:30 a.m. we got in bed around 1:00, checked on her at 2:30, and when I awoke at 4:00 to check on her our beloved Matty had passed away. She was quietly laying on her favorite bed, in her favorite room looking just as she always looked when she slept peacefully. I just began to sob, while D just sat next to her with tears streaming down his face.
I knew that we all would be heartbroken, and very sad when this time came. But no one could have ever prepared me for the pain that my heart feels. I am not sure right now that I have ever been this sad, nor my heart literally hurt as much as it does. I was not prepared for this. To say our house will never be the same is an absolute understatement. I have never had to be in our house alone...Matty has always been here with me, she goes everywhere in the car with us, she tells me when it is 5:00 p.m. and time to start dinner for us, and for her. I will never hear her snore again, I will never hear her yodel again...and I never got it on tape. I will never get to take her on a walk again, she won't be outside chasing the squirrels while I clean the pool, she won't be there to go get the mail with me, and she will never get to meet this baby that is coming home to us. I never really got to say goodbye to her, and I feel like I failed her by not making sure that she was not in pain anymore. So right now I am really struggling with my sorrow and grief, but I am also struggling with my guilt.
I am so happy, and thankful that my MIL is here, she has been a tremendous support system, she has sat with me and cried, she has told me all of her favorite memories of Matty, and promises me that I did everything I could do-maybe not the vet, but D and I did everything we could do for her, and she knew how much we loved her. I pick up her ashes tomorrow, and so I know it is going to be a very difficult day for me. D doesn't get home until Wednesday, I look forward to him being at home and having him to work through our grief together.
We have cancelled Christmas at our house. Funny thing is I have not been much in the Christmas spirit this year, and have failed to erect any decorations. I thought it was because I was feeling a bit depressed about the wait, but I think it was because somehow I knew we weren't going to be celebrating this year.
I am not sure how long it will be before I feel like updating, or really have anything to update about. I know that I am going to try to take these last few weeks of the year to get myself mentally ready for the New Year. I wish you all a happy holiday, whatever holiday you might be celebrating. Mostly I wish you a happy, healthy and prosperous 07'

I do want to say Thank you to the friends that I have heard from these last couple of days. Your very sweet thoughts, and just your understanding of what a very sad time this is for our family is so nice. So thanks for taking the time to let me know you are thinking of us.



By the way, it is our 3-month anniversary of our LID. 3 down, 21 to go. Now that is progress.