Jump on the ride to the bottom

I was tagged again to share what I plan to do while we wait for our daughter. Well I am not up for this challenge right now. I have been very upbeat, and positive about this wait until yesterday. Not sure what triggered the downward spiral, but once the move downward started it was a fast ride to the bottom. I am sure I have been so busy lately, that there has not been much time to think about the reality of our adoption, it may have been just reading one too many rumors or board post, or maybe it was just the obscene amount of cold medicine I had taken to try to overtake this terrible cold I have been fostering. Regardless of what triggered the meltdown, it was calm, but it was bad. To read that we could be waiting 3-4 years for our daughter was just more than my brain and my heart could take. We started this journey to a child 3 years ago, and to think that we could have another 3 years to the ultimate end of this journey just seems cruel at this point. We are a very patient family overall. We have had to wait for a lot of things, and we have made an attempt to teach Taylor and Connor about delayed gratification. We are big believers in if it is worth working and waiting for, then it is worth having. But I think this just goes well beyond what anyone should ever have to suffer through.
I spoke to our agency yesterday, and I always do feel better for at least a little bit when I speak to our director. She is a very warm, calm, genuine person who has this amazing ability to calm others. I know that she truly means it when she says that she really can't fathom that the wait will actually extend to that magnitude. But the reality of it is, it is all about the numbers. If the numbers of dossiers don't recede, and the number of paper ready babies doesn't increase, it is a matter of Econ 101-remember the first day of that class? Guns and Butter, supply and demand. Unless the new guidelines are across the board, and no one is grandfathered in, it just seems futile to be in this wait. I have asked about other countries, and about SN. I guess after to talking to "D" last night we have decided that we have to just put some of this aside, keep abreast of the big picture, and not focus so much time on the day to day stuff. Then after the holidays we will reevaluate the situation.
Right now it just feels like it was not meant for me to be a mother. I may have to become more comfortable with that idea. I know that I have so much to do, and I don't feel like doing any of it. I feel so down, so blue, and just feel generally out of control-which is way outside of my comfort zone. I know there are many of you out there feeling the same thing.
I know that people feel like it is all in "God's" time, but sorry, I am not in the mood for that right this minute. 17 year old crack heads go out and get pregnant, is that all in God's time? I am way beyond red threads, ladybugs, and bible verses.
Hopefully I will have a new lease on life tomorrow, but just needed to vent today. I am going to go clean house now, which sounds like such a glorious controlling thing to do-I need at least one thing I can control.
Here's to international adoption. Don't ever get in line behind me at the grocery, because the line I chose always gets longer!!